Wabi Sabi Magic

Wabi Sabi Magic

What's "Wabi Sabi Magic"?

It's the magic that happens -- when we allow it -- from the imperfect events in life. 

Also known as "Beautiful Oops!" (Which is, not-so-coincidentally the name of a book.)

Or "Making lemonade from lemons" has a similar flavor. (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun!)

So the past 24 hours has been a series of wabi sabi magic events. And I want to be sure to note the process.

Truth be told, the past week or so could be included, but I'll focus on this past day because it's rich enough with those golden lessons that come from hardship.

It started with a phone conversation yesterday evening with a friend from college. We'd actually worked together at a summer camp, then solidified life-long friendships as a group of us became our own tribe in the years that followed. A sort-of gathering of soul-resonating misfits. 

The conversation last night was brief and filled with a very quick catch-up in life events, including news that a member of the tribe had recently died (RIP, Bob!), followed by a little reminiscing. I haven't kept up the individuals of our group except through my friend who'd called, so I'm grateful for his ability and desire to stay connected. 

(I grew up in a military family, so staying in touch with many people isn't my strength. That experience gave me the ability to connect with a variety of people, though. It also taught me to recognize like-souled individuals and forge friendships with them to assuage the deep loneliness I felt from having no roots.)

I need to say that I adore this friend who called. He has been an oxygen mask -- breaths of fresh air -- when my life has seemed to be taking a nose-dive. We haven't typically had particularly deep conversations but it's always been FUN to talk with him. I've admired his lack of "filter" at times because he says exactly what he's thinking. There's no trying to figure things out or guessing and I appreciate that in him.

So, last night, as we were talking, he was picking up kids as our conversation was continuing. And I took a leap -- for me -- to tell him of a plan I've been hatching in the past few weeks. 

In about a year from now, I'll be walking the Camino in Spain.

First I need to explain what "walking the Camino" means. The segment I'm planning to walk is  a 500+ mile pilgrimage that starts just inside France, on the border of France and Spain in the Pyrenees mountains. For most, the trail starts in the small French town called St. Jean and ends in the city of Santiago. For some, the journey ends another 100 miles on the Spanish coast at Fisterra. Most people take 4-6 weeks to walk the trail. The average distance each day is 15-18 miles -- a little more than a 1/2-marathon each day for 30 or more days! 

That's what I'll be doing in the Spring of 2016 and I've been preparing for it daily since early March by reading about it on the internet, from a guide book as well as from a personal story written by Elizabeth Sheehan, The Trail: A True Tale of the Camino. 

Last year, my interest was sparked when I saw the movie with Martin Sheen, The Way. The spark ignited this past January, after watching the documentary, Walking the Camino. 

What I know for sure is this: a journey of this kind -- a pilgrimage -- begins when the idea becomes clear, when the spark ignites. The journey begins to call to you and it's as important to pay attention to what happens BEFORE you go as much as you would WHILE you're there AND when you return. 

I'm paying attention, which is why I'm writing this now about something that some might believe to be trivial.

Back to the conversation last night...

When I told my friend that I was planning to walk the Camino and after I'd explained it to him, he was enthusiastic, but ended his excited support with, "You know you'll have to get off your fat ass!" To which I replied, "Really? You DO know I've completed 5 1/2-Marathons, right?" 

He didn't know. And because his car was filling with kids our conversation ended there.

Except I couldn't stop thinking about the exchange. 

I thought I'd get an apology after my 1/2-marathon comment, but nope.

It was such a trigger for a flood of family memories. 

You know, the unpleasant kind. 

The ones I've worked most of my life to undo but occasionally are reactivated unexpectedly. Of course there are so many layers to shift through, too. 

Normally, a comment like the one my friend made would have swamped me and knocked me down -- it had already been a rough week. When the thoughts of, "You're so sensitive," crept in along with the shame of how I have felt about this body, I knew I was in trouble.

This is me from a few weeks ago... I'm always aware of my size when I see pictures of myself!

And instead of drowning in the emotions, I decided I'd do something completely different for me. 

A couple hours after the conversation, I posted this on Facebook:
What do you think, FB friends:
Is it worse for a stranger or a friend to say, "You'll have to get off your fat ass"?
Do you think that's just being insensitive or unwittingly and simply insulting?
Comments?

I really wasn't sure what would happen. I was hoping for a shift in perspective. 

What I got was extraordinary words of encouragement. The first from a former student:
To hear it from a friend is hurtful because one should expect love and support from friends and family. However, to hear it from a stranger hurts just as much because it makes one question how a stranger might see them; is this what the outside world perceives me to be. Neither is worse. It is equally insulting, just in a different way depending on who it comes from. I can't imagine uttering those words. In the end, it is more a reflection of the insulter's insecurities and anger, than the beauty of the recipient of the insult.

THANK YOU!

And this one came:
No matter who says it the comment is crude and cruel. If a friend said it I would suspect some unspoken resentment. I'd probably think a stranger had some mental disorder going on!

Then this comment:
It's prejudicial coming from a stranger. I agree, it is hidden resentment from a friend. I'd be more curious about the friend's comment than the stranger's. Context is important with the friend: not the stranger. It could come out of frustration from the friend even if poorly delivered.

THANK YOU for that!

And these, each from a different voice; I felt the outpouring of kindness:

• Rude either way.
• Wow...
• Totally, totally insulting! Shame on them!
• When a friendship is damaged it is doubly hurtful.
• Worse from a friend because a friend should find supportive ways to motivate and uplift. However from a friend or a stranger, this comment serves no one.
• Sounds like their own projection of something that was triggered in them... Either way... They need life coaching!
• Rude, crude and insensitive no matter who says it....
• I would not want either in my life

THANK YOU ALL!

The upshot? 

One friend called me to find out if I was ok. (THANK YOU!) It turns out SHE has also heard the call of the Camino and we've committed to become walking buddies toward that goal.

That's Wabi Sabi Magic, by the way.

And...

I remembered that harsh words are such a reflection of the person speaking them. 

I remembered that my body is strong and that there are so many things I've been able to do in spite of its size.

I remembered that I don't have to handle it -- anything! -- alone.

Oh, yeah...

My friend recognized himself in the FB post and called this morning (early!) with a sincere and repeated apology. We talked about how hurtful his words were and how important our friendship is.

And some of the lessons for the journey? More Wabi Sabi Magic...

1. In any event or situation lies the possibility of crippling inner chatter or supportive positive self-talk. Even though it might be challenging to harness the inner critic, there's value in pausing to notice what it's saying, then sifting through what's needed.

2. We are ALL, yes every one of us, imperfect. If we honor the imperfections and seek to understand the cracks and chips we each bring, we can learn from each other. 

3. True friendships can withstand the pain of stepping on each others' toes if we figure out how to learn from them.

4. Reach out for help when it gets rough. Support from others is invaluable!

5. When in doubt, do something different -- anything -- that might shift the inner landscape and patterns. 

How's THAT for Wabi Sabi Magic?

Suzan